Have you been on the receiving end of that mean voice? I wonder how many have personally heard that tone of voice, the mean/cruel words. There is an energy that often comes with it and body language.
From my own experience in my adult relationships, I had 2 reactions. One, I fought back. I know I gave back unkind, probably even mean words. Meaning if you are going to try to kill me with your energy, tone, voice, words, body language, I refuse to lie down and just take it. And the second reaction, I lived that life in silence. While in the relationship, I told no one. Allowing the silence to exist alongside the obvious gaslighting that accompanied the attack. It was so isolating, lonely, and damaging. Without exaggeration, I felt a part of me die off in every instance.
I haven’t spoken about it much since the relationship ended though when I did, I noticed it’s a difficult experience to describe. Usually, I don’t feel I have accurately communicated my experience of it. I have given it the descriptive word of annihilation. And the feeling of being assaulted while he held enough composure not to strike out physically. The words and the delivery seemed designed to rob me of any ounce of dignity, respect, or worthiness. It felt the stated purpose for the attack was that I would cease to exist.
This destruction is a strong pattern and since I consider myself an interrupter of generational patterns, I knew I had to start talking about it.
I grew up around the severe judgment of another’s character, of their right to exist in this world. I fought against it as a young girl, but I was damaged and unfortunately being exposed to it, it became my familiar way of being. So naturally I was drawn to that kind of behavior as an adult.
I want to say thank you for reading today. It feels good to also share that my dad was and still is my biggest teacher in life even though he died 30 years ago. He led me to become trained as a grief recovery specialist because of these types of patterns. I learned I was still living in a relationship with the pain from that relationship including those destructive patterns.
The great and hopeful news that I believe in wholeheartedly is that we have the ability to change and to heal, to interrupt negative patterns whether we are on the receiving end or the one carrying it out. I added to my training an understanding of neuroplasticity and being able to rewire the brain and utilizing energy work, all of which has strengthened my belief in our ability to heal and change.
If this pattern exists in your life and you need a safe place to talk, I am here for you. If you are ready to heal from the unresolved grief of it all, I am a phone call, text or scheduled appointment away from meeting you exactly where you’re at, book a session. No judgment, no shame. I realized I mattered enough to heal and change. And so do you.